One word, in my mind, my world. A simple word, a dogs name perhaps? Either way dives deep to my childhood memories and has stayed with me through the years. My interpretation used to be a smiling laughing memory but at this point of Papersoup = life. Why paper, paper is formed from a tree who’s roots start in the earth, we too root down much like a tree to rise up. Our memories made through the years meld to make a soup of sorts in the mind. Yes, I am reaching here. However this analogy speaks to me at this point today, could change tomorrow. Human.
First new blog is going to be deep. The past 2 years have been tough but the past 6 months have been almost unbearable. I grin and bear it, or try to anyway. Put my best foot forward for all around me, trying to be what everyone else wants me to be and not knowing at all who I am anymore. Lost, confused, blaming myself for all the wrong and not knowing how to climb out of it. We all go through shit but no two humans are the same. Sure some of us might share some DNA, but its proven our bio-individuality is just that – belongs to the individual not the masses. Yet as humans we all, myself included, inherently judge all those around us while perhaps we should to take a look inward for a moment. I often hear people say, (again i am guilty too) you don’t understand I KNOW HER/HIM, or I KNOW HE/SHE has done this pattern for years.. STFU. Having watched 3 people pass, 2 through immense suffering at that, I can guarantee all past judgement in the moment on those, all the small moments that seemed so huge and justified in the actions/reactions. None of that mattered in the end. None of it. So why do we do it? It crushes me when i think of judgement old and recent I may have put on others knowing it means nothing in the grand scheme of life. WTF. We are all assholes.
Its cliche to say life is a journey, but it truly is. Langston Hughes, the poet, would say “its a jazz tune honey”. I don’t want sympathy, though I am sure and can understand why people around me may think otherwise. In all of this, I have lost all confidence in myself. Maybe instead I just want people to know I am broken right now but I am working to put myself back together its taking longer than I hoped. And I am sorry.
There is a point here, none of us know truly know another person. We aren’t them, we don’t live in their bodies, we aren’t on their journey, we don’t know in a moment how they are feeling or what they are going through. I am tired, I am scared for the next 12 months and honestly I have become afraid of people. Who am I, you, anyone to judge someones anxiety, grief, what makes them happy, etc.. just because we may not be the same and don’t understand it doesn’t give a right to do so. I often think we as humans do it because we are unhappy with something in ourselves. I think that has rung true for me anyway.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all stop? Not likely to happen. I can tell you, the lessons are deep that I am learning now. Perhaps we take notice what feeds us now, is it kindness, is it judgement, hatred, fear a little bit of all? While they may feed you now would we all be a little happier if we set them aside and just lived, is it possible?. Let them go. Do we even know how to do that anymore as humans? Am I judging the judgers right now? Either way its all papersoup. I know I can do better. Do you?
“Bring me all of your dreams You dreamer, Bring me all your Heart melodies That I may wrap them In a blue cloud-cloth. Away from the too-rough fingers of the world” – Langston Hughes